The expectations for courtship here in China are different, to say the least. My friend Philip always used to love taking the piss out of the Chinese dating game. Philip comes from a rough and tumble world where the women have to be just as rough-hewn as the men; it’s useful to have thick skin in order to pick one’s potential spouse up out of the gutter of self-destruction and self-loathing, holding them aloft for a long enough period of time to wrangle them into domestic harmony (if you haven’t guessed yet, Philip is Irish). Anyway, he couldn’t wrap his head around the rules of the game in China. When he would espouse his feelings towards the dating and courting culture in China, he wouldn’t spare any harsh words. He would have a field day. What happened to ol’ Phil, you wonder? He married a Chinese girl.
Phil may be an exception, because he’s certainly not the rule when it comes to prototypical couples in modern China. Men are saddled with expectations in most societies. In China, along with the standard rites of passage for manhood, comes the additional weight of material wealth. Material wealth is a large part of courting in China. A man who doesn’t have x, y and z (in terms of material trappings) can’t expect to land himself a decent girl. Proposal is out of the question if a man doesn’t at least have the means to acquire a sixty square meter apartment, a car, or other such totems of material prosperity.
Another example: a friend of a friend out here named Qiang has been having some romantic troubles. We have a nickname for Qiang, “The Great Wall.” We call him this because his countenance, after a few rounds of drink, bears a striking resemblance to the storied Chinese landmark. While trading stories or pleasantries at the bar, it’s easy to tell when Qiang is a bit too far-gone. We’ll volley a question in his direction, and it will be returned by nothing more than a vacant, stoic gaze. He’s a prolific guy.
Anyway, Qiang moved to Nanjing from his hometown in northern Jiangsu province to pursue a girl. His girlfriend is a student in Nanjing, but he wanted to be with her nonetheless, so he could position himself to be her foremost suitor when it came time for her to graduate (Note: graduation is the typical time in a young Chinese woman’s life when she’s looking to get hitched). Qiang has a problem though: he can’t afford the expensive price tag on a new apartment. Recent changes in the real estate laws have mandated that future homeowners pay at least forty percent of the listed price as a security deposit. This exercise limits the runaway speculation that contributes to a housing bubble and subsequent bust.
What’s Qiang supposed to do? He obviously loves his girl, but he’s faced with a true impasse. He can either borrow the money needed for the down payment on his future apartment, putting him in debt and causing him to lose face in front of his girlfriend’s family, or Qiang can abandon his love and his life plan for this young lady. He is between a rock and one helluva heartbreak.
This dating game in China takes no prisoners.
Rory Keane is an American-born teacher and writer who has logged nearly two years in China, and is working on another year-long stint in the Middle Kingdom. He writes about travel, sociopolitical issues, health, entertainment, and culture, among other topics.
